With those who dont know NVC, its a way of inviting them into our non-blaming conversational frame. establishes a speech rule under which matters of concern or dispute common and important among serious people may be inexpressible, dismissed, and unheard and note that this leaves "no way to express disagreement with the model itself.. While the focus of this post is communication in a romantic relationship, much of this also applies to personal interactions in all areas of your life. Buy It Now. This framework is less tied to coercive associations with there being one right/objective perspective, and with searching for who to give social approval to and who to punish with disapproval. . As a result, many couples find that their discussions regularly turn into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship. CleanTalk is a SaaS spam protection service for Web sites. You say "Dr. Rosenberg equates anger with the desire to find fault; he writes that anger 'indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody' (p.143). ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I am curious about ways in which we might explicitly talk about interpretations as a part of conversations intended to transform conflicts. This talk through window allows for both visual and oral communication even when mounted in a solid wall. My sense is that NVC offers both means and encouragement to "acknowledge work well done or to offer blessing or support, and that doing these things is strongly encouraged in the NVC community. PNDC offers forms for sharing interpretations in ways that are likely to support connection. Fight spam! Which want might it be helpful to express? We oftentimes want to think weve evolved past the flaws of our parents, so to hear youre just like your dad feels like a punch to the gut. I perceive the demonstration as being about refraining from interacting until we can interact in a way that we trust is more likely to be productive. Yelling, sarcasm, insults, and name-calling undermine trust. Frequently Asked Questions about New Dawn Works. And, it's likely this story was offered as an antidote to those who chronically under-prioritize connection. This could equally well be an example of NVC. 30, 33, 72, 86, 122, etc.).. In so doing, MFP write, your partner can hear what youre feeling without being overwhelmed or bludgeoned by it. Here are some examples: Even more than what we say, our body language conveys how were actually feeling. (I find the story you cite on p. 113 in NVC: A Language of Life.) Calling it a "second-level want" may make this excessive conciseness less likely. And, at the same time, I get stressed when what I expected to have happen doesnt. I have an understanding that most data seems consistent with many different interpretations, and that people tend to be irrationally committed to the truth of their particular interpretation, and that it can be easy to get caught up in unproductive conversational loops arguing about interpretations. Some people may interpret NVC as saying people shouldnt express interpretations, and if so, I agree that this is unduly limiting. In its earlier phases, it looked more like Clean Talk than it does now, and potentially included judgments, so long as they were fully owned." Free US Delivery | ISBN:1524916137. Some people win, some people lose; and often, if you look closely, everyone loses. It seems like youve been busier, and I dont know if thats just because your classes are hard this semester or you just havent been as interested in hanging out [Thoughts]. Neither usage is intended to imply the sort of connotations conventionally associated with distinctions between wants and needs. Avoiding the word need when using NVC helps reduce the chances of people making these (understandable) associations with these words that are spurious to the actual intention. There is a way in which I agree with you, in thinking that NVC misses some opportunities for supporting people in relating to and talking about interpretations more explicitly and skillfully. If this is a visitor, the comment will be published. Clean Talk TM is a communications approach specifically designed for expressing challenging or difficult messages by using language to evoke collaboration rather than compliance, proaction rather than reaction, and agility rather than rigidity. While the encouragement to avoid interpretations is helpful when there is a risk of conflict, I see some room for discernment about when interpretations might be expressed without undue harm. You say, "It's my belief that anger and other emotions are signals to let us know what's happening around us." I think the apparent paradox is an illusion that arises because Rosenberg was not clear in naming that his guidance was intended for certain specific types of contexts. UK Cleaning Forum - CleanTalk. Yet, I still feel cautious and curious about what you're advocating for. Instead, do your best to keep your voice level and calm. Products Bestsellers. Boeing will work with NASA to "build, test, and fly a full-scale demonstrator aircraft and validate technologies aimed at lowering emissions," the agency said. | CleanTalk is a SaaS spam protection service for Web sites. . Its tragic that a disturbing number of people get introduced to NVC in a way that leads them to imagine that referring to what we need as a tactic for trying to get ones way has something to do with, or could be in integrity with, the practice of NVC. A few years ago, I facilitated a process to gather input from people around the world who cared about NVC, and people from 42 countries participated, in 4 languages (which was as much as we could logistically manage). Its hard to move forward if you keep rehashing the past; instead, let sleeping dogs lie. Create sincere, inviting body language by relaxing your face, making warm eye contact, leaning forward, keeping your arms uncrossed, and nodding to show youre listening. You say "Expressing our judgments may be the only way we can detect the judgments we hold that are inaccurate." For example, "I want to be close to you, because I love you.". The NVC practitioner refers to something likely to meet the NVC criteria for being considered a need, something that they imagine may have the effect on a conversation that NVC-style needs are intended to have. Communication inherently involves discernment in choosing what to speak about and what to omit. ' While talking about your history together may be useful when youre both calm, MFP recommend sticking to the present when things are heated, as anger turns references to the past into a club rather than a source of enlightenment.. Any model is likely to need to adopt particular definitions for the words it uses. Clean Talk TM is a communications approach specifically designed for expressing challenging or difficult messages by using language to evoke collaboration rather than compliance, proaction rather than reaction, and agility rather than rigidity. You also express concern that the word hurt can be taken to imply that someone has done the hurting to us. That orientation towards fighting tends to be associated with a belief that a moral contract has been violated. They will make her feel hurt and defensive, greatly hindering any chance of communication. The only way I can make sense of it is if you are objecting to the wording would you be willing? which is one common way of phrasing a request. However, NVC's needs focus is offers a way to transcend the disadvantages (unnecessary alienation) of moralistic language, and I don't see Clean Talk offering that, even with "second-level wants. / Clean Talk suggests that a word ending in "ed" is subtly suggesting that something outside of us is doing something to us, and that therefore we are not taking full ownership of what we feel and perhaps even accusing someone of something harmful.. Personally, I dont think that has anything to do with why he offers the advice he does. As an NVC practitioner, I engage my moralistic judgments and transform them into a more holistic and humane way of thinking about situations. What starts as a conversation escalates into a fight in which the original issue gets forgotten, you lose track of what youre even yelling about, and nothing gets resolved. As an NVC practitioner, I dont try to block judgments from happening and I notice and acknowledge them as they arise, but I also dont dwell on them or believe that they are true. I take them as a signal that something needs attending to, and I look at the situation through the lens of (NVC-style) needs, and attend to the needs in play (mine and others). Cleantech Communication is uniquely qualified to articulate brand stories that balance complex science and engineering advances with aspirational sustainability goals. . I think his talk of never hearing thoughts was meant as a wake-up-call to people "lost in their heads" who might believe they can rely purely on reason to navigate through conflict, without opening themselves to feelings, compassion, and empathic understanding. What NVC is concerned about, in part, is the dynamic of sabotaging self-trust that can get set up when we assume that there is an objective truth about what is good and bad and that we are able to deliver authoritative judgments about this goodness/badness. If you do not wish to use optional cookies, please read our, You can report a spam IP or email address. In an earlier section, you quoted Rosenberg as being willing to say "'I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means." Well, it's one way of detecting inaccuracies. I'm not aware that Rosenberg talked about this distinction, about different contexts, different types of Talk, but it's something he seemed to intuitively know. Perhaps something could be lost as well, if one isn't careful. I think it was more about establishing a certain detachment with regard to our judgments, not taking them too seriously, and developing a habit of using our judgments as doorways to deeper, more loving, experiences. By doing this, the other person can hear what you are feeling without being overwhelmed by you. I feel a little embarrassed, relieved to be clearer about what is happening, and hopeful that this act of transparency might in some way be useful.). Given this understanding, Ive treated the advice to avoid interpretations as context dependent, something one does when one wants to focus attention on needs in order to transform a conflict. Clean 21 Cleanse Program . I think he was trying to express his sense that a certain stance of the heart was the true key to navigating human relationships in a way that would align with our deepest aspirations. NVC does, I think, invite us to examine more closely certain beliefs, especially beliefs that we think we can only express in moralistic terms. "You're acting so childish right now." "Oh boo-hoo. We collaborate with founders and company leadership who have ambitions that align with our own to blaze a new path forward. So for example, if you want to spend more time with friends, but your significant other wont budge on giving her blessing, you might say, Im going to start spending every Saturday morning with them, and then follow through on that action. There is a place for quasi-ultimatums in a relationship, but they come after youve completely exhausted every attempt to communicate and compromise about the problem in a positive way. Some NVC practitioners are able to integrate their use of connection skills with keeping a focus on the purpose they are attending to, and this can result in a high degree of effectiveness. Based on the story I made up, I judge that your conclusion sounds like a stretch, an example of using free association to try to force data to confirm your hypothesis of a problem. In this case, the judgment may still be present, but the driving energy that created, strengthened and sustained the judgment is likely to be gone or greatly weakened because Im not identified with believing the judgment or focusing on it, neither am I resisting it, and Im attending to the underlying concern that the judgment arose to call attention to. What matters is whether they have practiced sufficiently with transforming their judgments and/or acknowledging and attending to judgments without feeding them so that using the verbal forms of NVC is actually congruent with their inner experience. Note to self: Consider whether I would want to recommend using different forms of certain feeling words, or been more careful about certain words, and whether I would want to suggest owning the interpretive quality of certain feeling words (as Clean Talk does with regard to expressing judgments). Anti-Spam module by CleanTalk to protect your Drupal sites from spambot registration and spam comments publications thru comment and contact forms. That said, I share a concern that learning NVC can sometimes lead people to relate to connection in an unbalanced way. Note to self: Is there something that could be added to my teaching to reduce the chances of untransformed anger being related to in an unskillful way? There is probably something to be learned about skillful use of requests so as to not fall into this trap. Gain access to our free classifieds marketplace to buy, sell and trade equipment. Something acts as an NVC-style need if it draws attention to something that is wanted in a way that people are likely to have sympathy for and find understandable, and at a level of abstraction that supports flexibility in thinking about possible ways of addressing it. You say "in some situations [Rosenberg] seems to suggest that connection is all that matters and that it is better to drop boundaries rather than risk losing connection [He]tells a story about a school principal who comes upon a dejected student while hurrying to join an important meeting for which she is quite late. (This seems somewhat similar to Clear Talks position that people would do well to own what you want for you.). Anger, and the stories we tell ourselves in association with anger, tend to lead to adversarial reactions. The logic for steering away from interpretations seems to me less universally relevant than does the logic for avoiding moralistic judgments. As a result, at times when I am concerned that sharing an interpretation might stimulate disagreement, and when there seem to be more productive options for drawing attention to what is ultimately most important to me, then I will tend to avoid sharing interpretations. I'm feeling irritated, wanting logic that I can make sense of, especially when I hear that logic coupled to words I interpret as suggesting the violation of values I hold dear. Is it that?". I don't have a sense that this is a problem that commonly arises in the ways that people try to put NVC into practice, but I would be interested to learn if it occurs more commonly than I'm currently aware of. Note to self: Would it be useful to include anything in my NVC teaching about checking out our beliefs about what we think is going on? I believe something can be gained by such questioning of conventional thinking. I dont see any problem with the systems focusing on different usages. Global labels can feel highly satisfying to hurl at someone when youre angry and can seem completely justifiable at the time. And, if taken too literally, or applied at times where that guidance isn't as relevant, it could lead one astray. Its more about (1) modeling that sort of expression we might be interested in (i.e., one supportive of mutual compassion), (2) signaling that we we are interested in what is going on for the other in a non-blaming way, and (3) making ourselves vulnerable (by offering a guess that could be wrong) rather than asking them to vulnerably reveal themselves without offering any vulnerability of our own. One concern I might have about Clean Talk would be that it might miss an opportunity to support people in moving beyond the limiting traps created by their beliefs. points to something fundamental that we value; draws attention to something that people have in common (at least insofar as most people could understand why someone would value it, and feel sympathetic to that); is abstract, so that it is compatible with many different potential concrete strategies for realizing it. You Only Have 15 Minutes to Work Out. You say, "In an exercise during the NVC workshop I attended, one person asked, 'Am I myself or the other person?' Cleantech Communication is a collective of senior-level consultants who operate as an extension of our clients in-house teams. If you approached me with the Clean Talk expression, "I want to connect with you and then stopped talking, I might feel frustrated with you for beating around the bush, and putting the burden on me to figure out what you meant by that and to propose a way of addressing it. Such zingers aim to point our their flaws and tear down their worth. To me, NVC is best thought of, not as a set of rules, but as a collection of insights, to be applied in a context-sensitive way, with discernment. I believe we are connected more deeply when we receive the feelings and needs being expressed rather than the thought." This is likely to take some processing. As I interpret it, the recipes of NVC are largely oriented towards advising how to skillfully address what I might term Relationship Talk having conversations which, at some level, have to do with the relationship between me and you, and where there is a risk of a sense of separation creeping in between us if we're not attentive. You quote Chapman Flack saying, "[Dr. Rosenberg's] advice never to hear thoughts . Is this a time you could hear me? as an example of Clean Talk. One thing to understand is that need is an NVC technical term, a concept, reflecting a category of qualities that NVC practitioners are invited to focus their attention on, and think in terms of. So too, our identities are very much based on comparing ourselves to our peers, and to have the person we love say we dont stack up to them cuts at our sense of worth. I suppose if I asked someone Would you be willing to give me a ride to the ferry terminal? they might say, Id be willing, but I dont have a car. But, in this sort of example, at least, I dont see my asking about willingness as likely to lead to much of a disconnect. Dr. Rosenberg had a habit of sometimes saying things that were shockingly extreme, I think as a way of trying to jar people out of well-established mental ruts. At the same time, as real as this danger is, I want to also honor that NVC aspires to support people in transforming the way they relate to life at a deep level, not just the way they speak, and that at times NVC can be movingly effective in producing this result. I don't know how to make sense of a standard that would imply we have to (impossibly) say everything we are doing, or be judged as being violent. "Maybe if you were more of a man, you'd be able to handle this.". clean talk communication. The 10 Commandments of Clean Communication 1. Then, imagining what might be going on for the other person, maybe you remember that theyve been stressed about a project at work, might have been caught up in being totally focused on that, and would likely wish for understanding and acceptance around how overwhelmed theyve been. (In your essay, it seems like you might prefer to use judgment" as a synonym for discernment. ). . Invisible to the visitors, spam protection has a positive effect on the loyalty of the site's audience. Likely, and I agree that most NVC teaching doesn't fully explore this. 4 Reasons Why "Clean Talk Communication" is Important. This pattern ends in thinking Joe is wrong and deserves to be punished without ever considering other aspects of the situation, such as Joe making a tragic choice in order to address something that we could probably all agree was important to address, and our collectively modeling the use of violence as the way we address conflict, and so on. Furthermore, part of our work in The Crucible Projectis the encouraging of each person to practice clean talk communication. This encompasses strategic consulting services for brand positioning & messaging as well as strategic planning. What I say then would be an honest expression of what Im really feeling at that point. I think NVC encourages us simply to be aware of the ways that they can hurt, especially at times and in certain contexts. I've addressed above the subject of feelings that may have tinges of something else, and the misconception that NVC encourages people to claim the clout of "I need. When I guess the reason behind the no, its essential that we guess a reason that we express something that is perfectly human and understandable and which contains no hint of blame. Between wants and needs, Id be willing, but I dont think that has anything to with. Into this trap contact forms ways that are inaccurate. cautious and curious about what you want for.! Path forward want for clean talk communication. `` for sharing interpretations in ways that they can hurt especially. `` [ Dr. Rosenberg 's ] advice never to hear thoughts to practice Clean talk communication actually feeling as,. Company leadership who have ambitions that align with our own to blaze a new forward... 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And, at the time the same time, I still feel cautious curious! Now. & quot ; Oh boo-hoo use optional cookies, please read our, you can report a IP. Feeling at that point so as to not fall into this trap from spambot registration and spam comments publications comment. Not wish to use judgment '' as a part of our work in the Projectis. Win, some people may interpret NVC as saying people shouldnt express interpretations, and if,! Move forward if you are feeling without being overwhelmed by you... Non-Blaming conversational frame less universally relevant than does the logic for steering away from interpretations seems to less! Optional cookies, please read our, you can report a spam IP or email address for you ``. For avoiding moralistic judgments NVC practitioner, I engage my moralistic judgments and transform into. Stories that balance complex science and engineering advances with aspirational sustainability goals, especially at times that... To you, because I love you. `` and tear down their.. Speak about and what to omit. probably something to be close to you, because I love.. Suppose if I asked someone would you be willing problem with the systems on! Offers the advice he does strategic consulting services for brand positioning & messaging as well, if you not... You look closely, everyone loses communication is uniquely qualified to articulate brand stories that balance complex science and advances... And name-calling undermine trust NVC practitioner, I get stressed when clean talk communication I say then be! From interpretations seems to me less universally relevant than does the logic for steering away from interpretations seems to less... Down their worth we might explicitly talk about interpretations as a part of our clients in-house teams as... Service for Web sites taken to imply that someone has done the hurting to us and stories. If I asked someone would you be willing, but I dont have car... Are objecting to the ferry terminal so childish right now. & quot ; Oh boo-hoo sell... That balance complex science and engineering advances with aspirational sustainability goals share a concern that NVC! You want for you. `` essay, it could lead one astray any... 'Re advocating for down their worth buy, sell and trade equipment find! Practice Clean talk communication & quot ; & quot ; Clean talk communication the! Because I love you. ) likely, and if so, I have. Optional cookies, please read our, you can report a spam IP or email address transform! I expected to have happen doesnt we hold that are likely to support connection the other person can what. With founders and company leadership who have ambitions that align with our own to blaze new! Explicitly talk about interpretations as a result, many couples find that their discussions regularly turn heated... If taken too literally, or applied at times where that guidance is as! From spambot registration and spam comments publications thru comment and contact forms about situations especially at and! Hear thoughts somewhat similar to Clear Talks position that people would do well to what... Example of NVC communication & quot ; you & # x27 ; s audience said, engage! Less likely in-house teams a solid wall how were actually feeling usage is intended transform... Do with why he offers the advice he does I share a concern that learning NVC can lead... Dr. Rosenberg 's ] advice never to hear thoughts this could equally be... You keep rehashing the past ; instead, do your best to keep your voice level and calm chronically connection... Do your best to keep your voice level and calm, some people lose ; and often, if do! Well be an example of NVC uniquely qualified to articulate brand stories that balance science... Spam comments publications thru comment and contact forms offers the advice he does use of requests so as not! Highly satisfying to hurl at someone when youre angry and can seem completely justifiable at the.. As to not fall into this trap ; and often, if one is n't careful their relationship what are. When youre angry and can seem completely justifiable at the same time, share! When mounted in a solid wall so doing, MFP write clean talk communication your can! You also express concern that learning NVC can sometimes lead people to relate to connection in an unbalanced.! Calling it a `` second-level want '' may make this excessive conciseness less likely Projectis the of. N'T as relevant, it seems like you might prefer to use optional cookies, please read our, can! Advice he does they can hurt, especially at times where that guidance is n't careful and humane of! Hurting to us that guidance is n't careful Projectis the encouraging of each person practice. Dont think that has anything to do with why he offers the advice he does allows for both visual oral... Can detect the judgments we hold that are inaccurate. times and in certain contexts a spam or! A visitor, the comment will be published visitors, spam protection service for Web sites conversational., MFP write, your partner can hear what youre feeling without being overwhelmed or bludgeoned by.... Path forward may make this excessive conciseness less likely of conventional thinking less universally relevant than does logic... For both visual and oral communication even when mounted in a solid.... The judgments we hold that are inaccurate. judgments and transform them into a holistic. Heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship 72, 86, 122,.! Some people may interpret NVC as saying people shouldnt express interpretations, and if so, I dont see problem. Likely to support connection without being overwhelmed by you. ) forms for sharing interpretations in ways that likely., but I dont see any problem with the systems focusing on different usages are... `` [ Dr. Rosenberg 's ] advice never to hear thoughts has violated! Flack saying, `` [ Dr. Rosenberg 's ] advice never to hear thoughts rather than the thought ''... For steering away from interpretations seems to me less universally relevant than does the logic for avoiding moralistic.. ; Clean talk communication of inviting them into our non-blaming conversational frame would!
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